Hello my lovelies,

There is going to be a TL;DR summary at the end, because this will be long, and you may not want to read all of it.
Warning this may seem super long and whiny and dumb

Lets get into this

So, I feel, I dunno why, I feel like I am in debt to you all to let you know where I have gone off to. I feel bad that I have been gone so long, no updates, no art, no talking. I am sorry you all.
For one, there is school, classes have been going since late August, and I am in some of my higher-level classes. I strive to get straight A's, which leaves me with a ton of unnecessary stress, and a lot less time for art. I know I shouldn't stress, it would be ok to get a B sometimes right? Something in my brain is off though and it gives me high anxiety to get a B. I got my second one for the first time last semester and it has added to my stress.
Anywaaays, I also started my new job at the beginning of the semester. More stress, though not as much stress as not having a job and needing money was. But now that leaves even less time….. for art and you all.
I was in need of more money, and even started a second job. Sadly though, I only worked three days of that newer job. It is a reopening of a Pizza shop we had in town and they are not getting the kind of business they hoped for. So they cannot keep me on right now, if they pick up business, but not now. I kind of half expected this though, seeing the location they have and that they are starting off from scratch. Soooo I am hoping my husband can score a second job. He should be the one to get one anyways because he isn't in school until I am done with it myself.
Money has been super tight and I am trying to just get by. I'm trying to finish school and work. So much stress and no time to even respond to comments I get from you all.
Some of you on here are super super fantastic friends of mine, and it pains me that I cannot make time to talk to you all the way I used to.

The next problem in my life…. Would be my health issues.
I believe all of this stress is making me sick. I am just so sick. I have had a constant stomach issue, and when it does attack it is the second most painful thing I have ever felt. (the first most painful was when I had to have surgery to remove a cyst, that sh*t was painful). Anyways…. I don't tell people about this problem, and I feel like I am just whining when I do. I know I haven't shared on FB lol I would rather share my issues with you all. I honestly think that I have gotten a stress Ulcer, but a pretty bad one. I mean I know it sounds like nothing to some people, oh a stress ulcer, but it hurts, I have had this going on for months now and it wont go away. Of course it wont go away if I am so stressed, and being sick is only making me even more stressed! Plus the bills from this, just, ugh!
Well I'm waiting to make sure my insurance will cover some of it, then I will be going to a General Surgeon for them to stick a camera down my throat and check out my stomach. If there is something they can fix, they will fix it when they are in there.
Lol and now I have a cold as well….. so…. great XD

Oh school and work, and money, yes these are some of my stressors. Plus the sickness stresses me out. I feel like I will be sick for a while, I just want it to go away and I am not joking at all. But I mean that is not the only problems in my life, I know many people have school and work and money woes. But you know what I don't tell people? How down my life has gotten me over just the past year and a half. A year and a half! Ok I'll tell you all now, just don't take this as me complaining.
I guess lets start when everything started going downhill…. May 2011 we lost my mom's long time boyfriend to cancer. Everyone acts like I can't hurt from that… you know… like I wasn't his kid…. But he had been around for like 11 years! At the time that was half of my life. He wasn't my father, and they didn't live together, but you know what? He was such a big part of my life. My own father died 5 years ago now. This hurt me bad.
My family and I went on vacation that summer after, and upon return I found out that due to my Boss getting demoted, I would consequently have to lose my job that December, after 2 ½ years with them as a Graphic Designer. Then….. the main scholarship offered here that pays for my tuition, was dropped without warning. I mean I didn't do anything wrong, it was just that time was up. But that meant that I lost 2 main incomes in the same month.
Then…. Also that December….. we lost my "nephew" from an "adopted sister" this was also really really hard….. people did not ever realize how close my mother my sisters and I were all to this little boy. He really was our nephew and my mother's grandson. But we were just treated as friends of the family. God my mom even took out a loan for his funeral so that we could take care of his memorial and begin the grieving process. My nephew was only 1 year and 2 weeks old. We was taken from us so unexpectedly as he died in his sleep from a gastric problem. we had no warning and he was taken so suddenly. I still miss him so much
Shortly after my mom lost her cat. Okay…. It's a cat… but you know what…. I miss him too lol
Then May 2012…… exactly a year to the day that we lost my mothers longtime boyfriend to cancer……. We lost my Mother in Law to a different Cancer. I seriously hate hate cancer, it is one of my biggest fears…. Why did it have to take 2 people from me in literally a year? I mean……. I know the common conception of mother in laws… but I loved my MIL! I did, I have known her for 8 years. It hurts to much that she wont be around for when we finally have kids….. all of her other children have given her grandchildren… and she will never get to know ours….. on top of that…. My husband is estranged from his father (ok yes I am confessing a lot to you all) so like….. my mom is the only grandparent left for our future children….. ok and we may not have children for a while but it still hurts to think on that.

God all this seems like I am complaining so much….. but it is really all getting to me so much….. making me sick…. Keeping me busy….. keeping me away from all of you who I miss so much, and from art which I miss soooo soo much. I just…. Can't do it….. even if I do get a chance….. I also have depression that makes it soo hard for me to concentrate on art.
I want to draw so badly and talk to you all…. But when someone has Clinical Depression…… it is way harder than one would think. I just…… I just can't …. It is all so hard….. I do take medication for that, but with everything that has been going on I can feel my depression getting the better of my medication, but I do not, I repeat do not, want to have them up my prescription, make me take more medicine…. I am trying so hard to just deal with it until this down spell passes. If you truly have depression, you know about the down spells and how down you can feel, how hard it is to do things. How hard it is to simply live and to do the things you love. I mean do not get that sentence wrong, what I mean by live is doing the things that make you happy day in and day out. All I have the strength to do anymore is school, work and then homework. I sleep so much especially being sick on top of the depression.

I want to come back to you all soon. I do….. but I cannot say when I will get out of this funk…. I cannot say when I can start doing art again….. I may do some commissions from time to time…… I also think I may be uploading old art and my animations I have been desperate to upload. But nothing new besides that stuff. So sorry if you get a spam of older things. Also sorry if you comment or fave new stuff and I don't get back to you.
It kills me that there are so many messages I have not responded to. I feel so bad. And to my best friends on here I am super terribly sorry. I have let my illnesses get in the way….. and I cannot fix it right now…… I am sorry so so sorry and I love you all. I miss you all
Oh but I do know that I will officially be graduating from College for good in May of 2014, just 1 ½ years left! But of course that causes more stress…. I need to come up with a really good piece for my demo reel if I really hope to get into PIXAR….. and I just am so scared to finally be done with school and am worried where my life will take me….. I am so excited to be done…. But by the time I am done it will have been 7 years…. And I wont know what to do with myself…. Especially if my dream of getting an internship at PIXAR doesn't pan out…. And right now I am not so confident about it panning out because……. I am just not very confident…. I am dreaming so high and I am so afraid I am going to fail

But here is the degrees I will have when I graduate!!!!!
Bachelors of Theatre Arts
Associates of Animation (yay!!! They are finally approving one at our campus!)
Ones I already completed before now
Associates of Arts (Theatre emphasis, and I have this already)
Certificate of 3D Modeling and Animation
Certificate of Game Design

I really want to be proud of myself…. Its hard sometimes though.
Sometimes……

Its
just
so
hard

TL;DR Summary

So I'm sick, physically and mentally so am having a hard time with everything. Not to mention school, trying to get straight A's, work, trying to have a second job that didn't pan out, trying to get my husband to get a second job, money problems. Stress stress stress.
So…. May upload older stuffs but no new stuff (besides maybe commissions) for a while. I also am super behind on messages and am sorry to everyone for that for not getting back to people, and I still may not for a while.
But hey! I graduate in 1 ½ years to yay!
Love you all

Kiriban winner!

I also wanted to point out that won this last Kiriban!!! I notified you all really late so she was the first one to come in with the closest number which was 5005.
I wont be able to draw her prize up for a little while, I hope that is ok. But I cannot wait to draw her adorable character Kurayami! (fav.me/d5bmfwy)
The next Kiriban probably wont be for a while as all the complaining I did above would indicate

Anyways……… sorry everyone for being gone! And sorry I cannot bring myself out of things just yet! I love you all and I am sorry it seems like I am complaining….. but I wanted to give you all a better sense of what is going on with me…. At least for those people who want to know….. you all now know what is going on…. I care more for you all then I do for people I know more IRL…… I never even FB about any of these problems….. sorry though for shoving it all on you guys
Hugs to you all